WEBVTT 00:00:38.247 --> 00:00:39.769 I think most of us would agree that 00:00:39.770 --> 00:00:42.379 one of the biggest challenges is dealing with conflict... 00:00:42.380 --> 00:00:44.380 whether at work or at home. 00:00:44.770 --> 00:00:47.646 Sarah I can’t make this deadline. 00:00:48.110 --> 00:00:50.513 This report seems like busy work to me. 00:00:50.538 --> 00:00:52.536 Is it really necessary? Are you kidding? 00:00:52.561 --> 00:00:55.347 Senior management is asking for this “busy work.” 00:00:55.372 --> 00:00:57.591 Frankly, I don’t care whether you want to do it or not. 00:00:57.616 --> 00:00:59.091 Get it to me today! 00:01:00.180 --> 00:01:02.859 If you’re like me... you never really give much thought to it... 00:01:02.860 --> 00:01:04.209 you just deal with it. 00:01:04.210 --> 00:01:08.329 You either fight... take flight... or simply freeze. 00:01:08.330 --> 00:01:11.459 In other words, you argue or yell your way through it... 00:01:11.460 --> 00:01:14.989 avoid it all together... or you just don’t know what to say or do. 00:01:15.320 --> 00:01:20.049 Unfortunately, none of these choices resolve conflict in a healthy way. 00:01:20.050 --> 00:01:23.173 We end up damaging relationships, we lose trust. 00:01:23.198 --> 00:01:24.939 The list goes on and on. 00:01:24.964 --> 00:01:28.329 So, here’s an approach I learned that actually works: 00:01:28.330 --> 00:01:34.129 When conflict arises, I take a moment... to collect myself before responding. 00:01:34.130 --> 00:01:38.779 This short pause gives me a chance... to identify a positive response... 00:01:38.780 --> 00:01:41.589 to make things better... not worse. 00:01:41.590 --> 00:01:44.889 While this is happening, I manage my emotions. 00:01:44.890 --> 00:01:47.677 It’s tough, but I don’t allow any negative emotions 00:01:47.702 --> 00:01:50.950 to cause me to overreact or take things personally. 00:01:51.470 --> 00:01:54.030 Last, I envision a successful outcome. 00:01:54.055 --> 00:01:56.875 In other words, I create a clear positive picture in my mind 00:01:56.900 --> 00:01:58.833 of what I want the result to be... 00:01:58.858 --> 00:02:00.249 and guess what? 00:02:00.250 --> 00:02:02.040 It’s more likely to happen... 00:02:06.010 --> 00:02:10.069 It’s pretty obvious... yelling doesn’t help promote a respectful workplace 00:02:10.070 --> 00:02:12.093 or help make people feel included. 00:02:12.330 --> 00:02:15.029 It’s the same thing when dealing with conflict. 00:02:15.030 --> 00:02:19.489 Relationships get damaged, productivity dramatically decreases... 00:02:19.490 --> 00:02:21.049 People just shut down. 00:02:21.050 --> 00:02:23.129 I mean, who wants to be yelled at? 00:02:23.130 --> 00:02:26.909 It’s unfortunate, but those who hit conflict straight on like that 00:02:26.910 --> 00:02:29.699 usually don’t know a better way to get things done. 00:02:30.089 --> 00:02:32.355 How many meetings do we need? 00:02:32.380 --> 00:02:35.029 People are texting me because I’m always tied up. 00:02:35.030 --> 00:02:38.449 I can’t get anything done cuz I’m in meetings all the time. 00:02:38.474 --> 00:02:41.915 I need to send myself a meeting request just to get to my emails. 00:02:42.397 --> 00:02:45.299 And these sales goals are so unrealistic. 00:02:45.300 --> 00:02:48.368 I’m tired of hearing “Be more productive”... “Maximize your efforts.” 00:02:48.393 --> 00:02:50.155 Okay! Stop! 00:02:50.180 --> 00:02:52.349 I’ve had enough of your complaining. 00:02:52.350 --> 00:02:53.980 I’m sick of this! 00:02:54.610 --> 00:02:59.380 I have tons of resumes so any of you can be replaced... 00:03:00.380 --> 00:03:03.485 Now, item one - budgets. 00:03:07.680 --> 00:03:09.993 Okay, so everything’s due on Friday. 00:03:10.454 --> 00:03:11.625 That’s fine. 00:03:11.650 --> 00:03:14.156 And I don’t mean to sound like a broken record here but 00:03:14.181 --> 00:03:16.384 do we really need to have all of these meetings? 00:03:16.409 --> 00:03:19.613 Yeah. I feel like maybe you just haven’t thought this all the way through. 00:03:22.029 --> 00:03:24.779 I can see that you’re frustrated. Tell me why. 00:03:24.780 --> 00:03:28.837 My task list keeps getting longer. These meetings just take up a lot of time. 00:03:28.862 --> 00:03:29.930 How about the rest of you? 00:03:29.955 --> 00:03:32.984 It’s like we can’t move fast enough on the treadmill to keep up. 00:03:33.009 --> 00:03:35.327 I think we’re all feeling stressed. 00:03:35.352 --> 00:03:38.107 I see, and I’m glad you brought this up. 00:03:38.132 --> 00:03:39.871 Let’s talk solutions. 00:03:39.896 --> 00:03:41.329 Tim, do you have any ideas? 00:03:41.330 --> 00:03:43.709 Well, I know it’s important to meet. 00:03:43.710 --> 00:03:47.819 But what if we met every other day or maybe scale back the time each day? 00:03:47.820 --> 00:03:49.765 Yeah. That would help... 00:03:49.790 --> 00:03:53.671 And maybe we can spend just a little less time on each agenda item? 00:03:54.114 --> 00:03:55.479 This is good. 00:03:56.195 --> 00:03:57.530 Anybody else? 00:03:57.608 --> 00:03:59.105 I think I have an idea... 00:04:02.370 --> 00:04:05.129 When we encounter conflict with co-workers, 00:04:05.130 --> 00:04:08.589 many times we get stressed out and we go into flight mode. 00:04:08.803 --> 00:04:11.171 When a problem causes me to take “Flight”, 00:04:11.196 --> 00:04:14.689 I typically do it because I’m afraid that I’ll upset someone 00:04:14.714 --> 00:04:16.173 and hurt that relationship. 00:04:16.449 --> 00:04:19.760 Simply put... I’m afraid they won’t like me. 00:04:19.939 --> 00:04:21.169 But here’s the rub. 00:04:21.170 --> 00:04:25.659 If I don’t act, the problem won’t go away, it will affect my work, 00:04:25.684 --> 00:04:28.945 the productivity of other team members and a whole lot more. 00:04:29.270 --> 00:04:33.184 We simply can’t put our heads in the sand... know what I mean? 00:04:33.770 --> 00:04:34.958 I’ve had it with Tyler! 00:04:34.959 --> 00:04:37.021 Today, he bowed down in front of everyone, 00:04:37.046 --> 00:04:40.588 ‘Oh, your Highness, I see you came to grace us with your presence 00:04:40.589 --> 00:04:42.245 and you’re only 10 minutes late.’ 00:04:42.270 --> 00:04:44.895 He knew I was in another meeting and was gonna be late. 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:48.451 I told him to knock it off but he won’t. Can you please get him to stop? 00:04:48.476 --> 00:04:52.051 You know how he is. Can’t you just deal with it? 00:04:52.076 --> 00:04:54.139 I’ve got all I can handle. 00:04:54.140 --> 00:04:55.458 Great! 00:05:00.620 --> 00:05:04.569 Hi. Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt. I’m just about ready to... 00:05:04.570 --> 00:05:06.939 I’m so frustrated with Tyler. Steve, could we reschedule? 00:05:06.940 --> 00:05:08.754 Absolutely. I’m around all afternoon. 00:05:09.692 --> 00:05:12.218 I’m sorry to interrupt. He’s at it again. 00:05:12.243 --> 00:05:14.419 Tyler just does not know when to stop. 00:05:14.420 --> 00:05:15.792 I’ve done all I can. 00:05:15.817 --> 00:05:18.461 Okay. Let me think about this for a second. 00:05:19.145 --> 00:05:22.859 There’s obviously an issue here. I’ll look into it right away. 00:05:22.860 --> 00:05:25.256 Thank you, Fiona. I appreciate it. 00:05:27.229 --> 00:05:28.192 Hi, Tyler. 00:05:28.217 --> 00:05:30.504 Hey, what brings you in this neck of the woods? 00:05:30.529 --> 00:05:32.940 I’ve got something to talk to you about. Do you have a minute? 00:05:32.965 --> 00:05:33.916 What’s up? 00:05:33.941 --> 00:05:36.181 You know I value what you do, right? 00:05:36.206 --> 00:05:37.099 Yeah. 00:05:37.124 --> 00:05:39.469 I can use your help with a problem. Shoot. 00:05:39.470 --> 00:05:42.999 I got a complaint that you called out Liz in front of everybody 00:05:43.024 --> 00:05:44.859 just for being a few minutes late. 00:05:44.860 --> 00:05:45.967 Are you kidding? 00:05:45.992 --> 00:05:48.597 She said you knew she was in a meeting. Is that true? 00:05:48.622 --> 00:05:51.540 Yeah... but I was just joking. She needs to lighten up! 00:05:51.565 --> 00:05:55.019 Even if you don’t mean it, most people are hurt when they’re teased. 00:05:55.044 --> 00:05:56.815 So what, I can’t tell a joke now? 00:05:56.840 --> 00:05:59.764 I’m not saying you can’t tell appropriate jokes here at work but 00:05:59.789 --> 00:06:02.857 jokes that are aimed at another person are hurtful... 00:06:02.882 --> 00:06:04.530 even if you don’t realize it. 00:06:04.555 --> 00:06:06.320 Will you stop teasing Liz? 00:06:06.345 --> 00:06:08.769 I guess, but I still... 00:06:08.770 --> 00:06:10.404 Tyler, I need your commitment. 00:06:10.429 --> 00:06:13.906 Just as you want to be treated with respect, so does everyone else. 00:06:14.550 --> 00:06:17.311 Okay, fine. I’ll stop. 00:06:17.610 --> 00:06:21.302 Thanks, Tyler. I really appreciate your cooperation. 00:06:26.920 --> 00:06:30.515 It’s not uncommon for people to simply “freeze up” when another person 00:06:30.540 --> 00:06:32.747 tries to steamroll the situation. 00:06:33.260 --> 00:06:35.793 Yet, moments later we want to kick ourselves 00:06:35.818 --> 00:06:38.321 because we know now what we should have said 00:06:38.346 --> 00:06:39.836 only it’s too late. 00:06:40.230 --> 00:06:42.728 At that same time, we think we’ll say the wrong thing 00:06:42.753 --> 00:06:44.686 and the person will get even more upset. 00:06:45.070 --> 00:06:46.699 See, the real issue... 00:06:46.700 --> 00:06:50.943 is our lack of response won’t solve the problem and nothing will change. 00:06:51.270 --> 00:06:55.109 We can’t simply shut down... we have to find a way to speak up - 00:06:55.110 --> 00:06:58.337 no matter how difficult or scary it might seem. 00:06:58.650 --> 00:07:02.472 And we can do it by simply being... honest and respectful. 00:07:04.034 --> 00:07:05.975 You stopped the line again! 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:08.079 Yeah, that’s my bonus you’re messing with! 00:07:08.080 --> 00:07:09.867 What’s the holdup? 00:07:12.060 --> 00:07:15.571 Hey, maybe I wasn’t clear. So let me explain. 00:07:15.596 --> 00:07:18.897 The line keeps moving and we all get a bonus. 00:07:24.060 --> 00:07:27.996 You’ve shut the line down three times today. What is your problem? 00:07:30.300 --> 00:07:31.850 I know you want that bonus. 00:07:31.875 --> 00:07:34.299 So do I... but I can’t pass these products. 00:07:34.300 --> 00:07:36.949 Why? These are good enough. What’s the big deal? 00:07:36.950 --> 00:07:40.549 The big deal is... that they’re not good enough and I have to stop the line. 00:07:40.550 --> 00:07:43.759 Look, you need to back off and keep the line moving. 00:07:43.760 --> 00:07:45.582 I know you want that bonus to get that bike... 00:07:45.607 --> 00:07:48.206 but our quality standards are what they are. 00:07:48.231 --> 00:07:50.279 We have an obligation to meet our company's standard for customer satisfaction... 00:07:50.280 --> 00:07:52.320 Hey, hey! I don’t care. 00:07:52.345 --> 00:07:53.473 Well I do. 00:07:55.668 --> 00:07:57.262 You’re not gonna give up on this, are you? 00:07:57.287 --> 00:07:58.687 No. I won’t. 00:08:11.036 --> 00:08:13.175 Conflict is simply a part of life. 00:08:13.200 --> 00:08:15.709 And that’s especially true in the workplace. 00:08:15.710 --> 00:08:18.234 But the bottom line here is pretty clear. 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:21.939 The most effective way to deal with conflict is to... 00:08:21.940 --> 00:08:24.986 Take a Moment... to get your composure. 00:08:25.430 --> 00:08:29.959 Identify a Positive Response... to move things forward in a positive way 00:08:29.960 --> 00:08:33.347 and break that typical fight, flight or freeze response. 00:08:33.770 --> 00:08:37.869 Manage Your Emotions... so you don’t overreact or take it personally. 00:08:37.870 --> 00:08:41.264 Remaining calm is good for you and for those you work with. 00:08:42.155 --> 00:08:44.889 Finally, envision a successful outcome. 00:08:44.890 --> 00:08:49.150 This is beneficial to you, those you work with and your organization. 00:08:49.660 --> 00:08:53.109 There’s no doubt that dealing with conflict is challenging 00:08:53.110 --> 00:08:55.069 but may not always be easy. 00:08:55.070 --> 00:08:57.709 But, it’s important to learn how-to-deal with “conflict” 00:08:57.710 --> 00:09:00.000 in a healthy and positive way.