WEBVTT 00:00:38.293 --> 00:00:39.968 I think most of us would agree that 00:00:39.969 --> 00:00:42.568 one of the biggest challenges is dealing with conflict… 00:00:42.569 --> 00:00:44.393 whether at work or at home. 00:00:44.932 --> 00:00:47.556 Sarah I can’t make this deadline. 00:00:48.230 --> 00:00:51.964 This report seems like busy work to me. Is it really necessary? 00:00:51.989 --> 00:00:55.469 Are you kidding? Senior management is asking for this “busy work.” 00:00:55.494 --> 00:00:59.070 Frankly, I don’t care whether you want to do it or not. Get it to me today! 00:01:00.332 --> 00:01:03.718 If you’re like me… you never really give much thought to it… 00:01:03.743 --> 00:01:05.154 you just deal with it. 00:01:05.179 --> 00:01:08.438 You either fight… take flight or… simply freeze. 00:01:08.463 --> 00:01:11.418 In other words, you argue or yell your way through it… 00:01:11.419 --> 00:01:14.809 avoid it all together… or you just don’t know what to say or do. 00:01:14.810 --> 00:01:19.189 Unfortunately, none of these choices resolve conflict in a healthy way. 00:01:19.190 --> 00:01:23.539 We end up damaging relationships, we lose trust… the list goes on and on. 00:01:23.540 --> 00:01:25.959 So, here’s an approach I learned that actually works: 00:01:25.960 --> 00:01:30.879 When conflict arises, I take a moment… to collect myself before responding. 00:01:30.904 --> 00:01:34.345 This short pause gives me a chance… to identify a positive response… 00:01:34.370 --> 00:01:36.949 to make things better… not worse. 00:01:36.950 --> 00:01:39.429 While this is happening, I manage my emotions. 00:01:39.430 --> 00:01:42.649 It’s tough, but I don’t allow any negative emotions 00:01:42.650 --> 00:01:45.799 to cause me to overreact or take things personally. 00:01:45.800 --> 00:01:48.689 Last, I envision a successful outcome. 00:01:48.690 --> 00:01:51.639 In other words, I create a clear positive picture in my mind 00:01:51.640 --> 00:01:55.910 of what I want the result to be… and guess what? It’s more likely to happen… 00:01:59.520 --> 00:02:03.059 It’s pretty obvious… yelling doesn’t help promote a respectful workplace 00:02:03.060 --> 00:02:05.049 or help make people feel included. 00:02:05.050 --> 00:02:07.214 It’s the same thing when dealing with conflict. 00:02:07.246 --> 00:02:12.729 Relationships get damaged, productivity dramatically decreases - people just shut down. 00:02:12.730 --> 00:02:15.119 I mean, who wants to be yelled at? 00:02:15.120 --> 00:02:18.457 It’s unfortunate, but those who hit conflict straight on like that 00:02:18.535 --> 00:02:21.552 usually don’t know a better way to get things done. 00:02:21.600 --> 00:02:26.032 How many meetings do we need? People are texting me because I’m always tied up. 00:02:26.063 --> 00:02:29.942 I can’t get anything done cuz I’m in meetings all the time. 00:02:29.967 --> 00:02:33.614 I need to send myself a meeting request just to get to my emails. 00:02:33.677 --> 00:02:36.329 And these sales goals… are so unrealistic. 00:02:36.330 --> 00:02:39.679 I’m tired of hearing “Be more productive”… “Maximize your efforts.” 00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:45.250 Okay! Stop! I’ve had enough of your complaining. I’m sick of this! 00:02:45.850 --> 00:02:54.420 I have tons of resumes so any of you can be replaced… Now… item 1… budgets. 00:02:58.930 --> 00:03:00.299 Okay, so everything’s due on Friday. 00:03:00.300 --> 00:03:05.419 That’s fine. And I don’t mean to sound like a broken record here, but 00:03:05.420 --> 00:03:07.427 do we really need to have all of these meetings? 00:03:07.452 --> 00:03:10.640 Yeah. I feel like maybe you just haven’t thought this all the way through. 00:03:13.260 --> 00:03:16.089 I can see that you’re frustrated. Tell me why. 00:03:16.090 --> 00:03:20.379 My task list keeps getting longer. These meetings just take up a lot of time. 00:03:20.380 --> 00:03:21.276 How about the rest of you? 00:03:21.301 --> 00:03:24.219 It’s like we can’t move fast enough on the treadmill to keep up. 00:03:24.220 --> 00:03:26.330 I think we’re all feeling stressed. 00:03:26.489 --> 00:03:30.659 I see, and I’m glad you brought this up. Let’s talk solutions. 00:03:31.090 --> 00:03:32.559 Tim, do you have any ideas? 00:03:32.560 --> 00:03:36.949 Well, I know it’s important to meet. But what if we met every other day, 00:03:36.950 --> 00:03:39.049 or maybe scale back the time each day? 00:03:39.050 --> 00:03:39.714 Yeah 00:03:39.873 --> 00:03:44.624 That would help… and maybe we can spend just a little less time on each agenda item? 00:03:45.330 --> 00:03:47.769 This is good. Anybody else? 00:03:47.888 --> 00:03:50.428 I think I have an idea… 00:03:53.480 --> 00:03:57.629 When we encounter conflict with co-workers, many times we get stressed out 00:03:57.630 --> 00:03:59.269 and we go into flight mode. 00:03:59.270 --> 00:04:02.977 When a problem causes me to take “Flight”, I typically do it because I’m afraid 00:04:03.002 --> 00:04:05.729 that I’ll upset someone and hurt that relationship. 00:04:05.730 --> 00:04:08.459 Simply put… I’m afraid they won’t like me. 00:04:08.460 --> 00:04:12.279 But here’s the rub. If I don’t act, the problem won’t go away, 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:16.390 it will affect my work, the productivity of other team members and a whole lot more. 00:04:16.999 --> 00:04:20.540 We simply can’t put our heads in the sand… know what I mean? 00:04:21.129 --> 00:04:25.479 I’ve had it with Tyler! Today, he bowed down in front of everyone,‘Oh, your Highness, 00:04:25.480 --> 00:04:29.659 I see you came to grace us with your presence and you’re only 10 minutes late.’ 00:04:29.660 --> 00:04:32.859 He knew I was in another meeting and was gonna be late. 00:04:32.860 --> 00:04:36.179 I told him to knock it off but he won’t. Can you please get him to stop? 00:04:36.180 --> 00:04:41.609 You know how he is. Can’t you just deal with it? I’ve got all I can handle. 00:04:41.610 --> 00:04:42.530 Great! 00:04:48.110 --> 00:04:52.359 Hi. Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt. I’m just about ready to… 00:04:52.360 --> 00:04:53.149 I’m so frustrated with Tyler. 00:04:53.150 --> 00:04:54.199 Steve, could we reschedule? 00:04:54.200 --> 00:04:56.060 Absolutely. I’m around all afternoon. 00:04:57.190 --> 00:05:01.864 I’m sorry to interrupt. He’s at it again. Tyler just does not know when to stop. 00:05:01.999 --> 00:05:03.159 I’ve done all I can. 00:05:03.286 --> 00:05:06.059 Okay. Let me think about this for a second. 00:05:06.790 --> 00:05:10.692 There’s obviously an issue here. I’ll look into it right away. 00:05:10.717 --> 00:05:12.029 Thank you, Fiona. I appreciate it. 00:05:15.006 --> 00:05:15.507 Hi, Tyler. 00:05:15.594 --> 00:05:18.084 Hey, what brings you to this neck of the woods? 00:05:18.148 --> 00:05:19.809 I’ve got something to talk to you about. Do you have a minute? 00:05:19.810 --> 00:05:21.269 What’s up? 00:05:21.270 --> 00:05:23.549 You know I value what you do, right? 00:05:23.550 --> 00:05:24.789 Yeah. 00:05:24.814 --> 00:05:26.395 I can use your help with a problem. 00:05:26.458 --> 00:05:27.095 Shoot. 00:05:27.245 --> 00:05:30.129 I got a complaint that you called out Liz in front of everybody 00:05:30.130 --> 00:05:32.399 just for being a few minutes late. 00:05:32.400 --> 00:05:33.339 Are you kidding? 00:05:33.340 --> 00:05:36.199 She said you knew she was in a meeting. Is that true? 00:05:36.200 --> 00:05:38.859 Yeah… but I was just joking. She needs to lighten up! 00:05:38.860 --> 00:05:42.517 Even if you don’t mean it, most people are hurt when they’re teased. 00:05:42.588 --> 00:05:44.329 So what, I can’t tell a joke now? 00:05:44.330 --> 00:05:47.390 I’m not saying you can’t tell appropriate jokes here at work but 00:05:47.549 --> 00:05:52.199 jokes that are aimed at another person are hurtful… even if you don’t realize it. 00:05:52.200 --> 00:05:53.889 Will you stop teasing Liz? 00:05:53.890 --> 00:05:56.169 I guess, but I still… 00:05:56.170 --> 00:05:57.339 Tyler, I need your commitment. 00:05:57.340 --> 00:06:01.260 Just as you want to be treated with respect, so does everyone else. 00:06:02.030 --> 00:06:04.460 Okay, fine. I’ll stop. 00:06:05.090 --> 00:06:09.280 Thanks, Tyler. I really appreciate your cooperation. 00:06:14.500 --> 00:06:16.899 It’s not uncommon for people to simply “freeze up” 00:06:16.900 --> 00:06:20.049 when another person tries to steamroll the situation. 00:06:20.050 --> 00:06:23.089 Yet, moments later we want to kick ourselves because we now know 00:06:23.090 --> 00:06:26.589 what we should have said--only it’s too late 00:06:26.590 --> 00:06:27.769 At that same time, 00:06:27.770 --> 00:06:31.589 we think we’ll say the wrong thing and the person will get even more upset. 00:06:31.590 --> 00:06:35.559 See, the real issue is… our lack of response won’t solve the problem 00:06:35.560 --> 00:06:37.069 and nothing will change. 00:06:37.070 --> 00:06:41.649 We can’t simply shut down… we have to find a way to speak up - 00:06:41.650 --> 00:06:44.649 no matter how difficult or scary it might seem. 00:06:44.650 --> 00:06:48.419 And we can do it by simply being… honest and respectful. 00:06:49.700 --> 00:06:53.649 You stopped the line again! Yeah, that’s my bonus you’re messing with! 00:06:53.650 --> 00:06:55.740 What’s the holdup? 00:06:57.640 --> 00:07:01.019 Hey, maybe I wasn’t clear. So let me explain. 00:07:01.020 --> 00:07:05.586 The line keeps moving and we all get a bonus. 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:13.280 You’ve shut the line down three times today. What is your problem? 00:07:15.870 --> 00:07:19.889 I know you want that bonus… so do I… but I can’t pass these products. 00:07:19.890 --> 00:07:22.529 Why? These are good enough. What’s the big deal? 00:07:22.530 --> 00:07:26.099 The big deal is… that they’re not good enough and I have to stop the line. 00:07:26.100 --> 00:07:29.329 Look, you need to back off; and keep the line moving. 00:07:29.330 --> 00:07:33.743 I know you want that bonus to get that bike… but our quality standards are what they are. 00:07:33.768 --> 00:07:36.079 We have an obligation to meet our company’s standard for customer satisfaction… 00:07:36.080 --> 00:07:38.239 Hey, hey! I don’t care. 00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:40.386 Well I do. 00:07:41.590 --> 00:07:42.769 You’re not gonna give up on this, are you? 00:07:42.770 --> 00:07:45.465 No. I won’t. 00:07:49.728 --> 00:07:54.399 Conflict is simply a part of life - and that’s especially true in the workplace. 00:07:54.400 --> 00:07:56.289 But the bottom line here is pretty clear. 00:07:56.290 --> 00:07:59.419 The most effective way to deal with conflict is to...Take a Moment.... 00:07:59.420 --> 00:08:01.535 to get your composure. 00:08:01.560 --> 00:08:05.099 Identify a Positive Response… to move things forward in a positive way 00:08:05.100 --> 00:08:08.358 and break that typical fight, flight or freeze response. 00:08:08.389 --> 00:08:12.185 Manage Your Emotions...so you don’t overreact or take it personally. 00:08:12.210 --> 00:08:15.329 Remaining calm is good for you and for those you work with. 00:08:15.330 --> 00:08:18.209 Finally, envision a successful outcome. 00:08:18.210 --> 00:08:22.619 This is beneficial to you, those you work with and your organization. 00:08:22.620 --> 00:08:25.719 There’s no doubt that dealing with conflict is challenging 00:08:25.720 --> 00:08:30.139 but may not always be easy. But, it’s important to learn how-to-deal with “conflict” 00:08:30.140 --> 00:08:32.410 in a healthy and positive way.