WEBVTT 00:00:06.827 --> 00:00:10.372 As a mediator, the goal is to work through tension and conflict 00:00:10.383 --> 00:00:12.979 to restore and recover relationships. 00:00:13.073 --> 00:00:16.593 I've learned that you'll spend the majority of your time listening 00:00:16.622 --> 00:00:18.993 and only a small percentage of it talking. 00:00:19.016 --> 00:00:22.673 One of the challenges is being present while the person is speaking. 00:00:22.882 --> 00:00:25.160 Focusing on what the person is saying 00:00:25.192 --> 00:00:28.219 rather than focusing on what you will say next. 00:00:28.322 --> 00:00:32.572 Skilled mediators summarize to verify and clarify their understanding 00:00:32.582 --> 00:00:34.901 before progressing the conversation. 00:00:35.104 --> 00:00:37.920 Here's an example I was recently called in to help out with... 00:00:39.156 --> 00:00:40.560 No offense, but... 00:00:40.650 --> 00:00:42.119 what are you doing here? 00:00:42.362 --> 00:00:45.219 Actually, I asked Mark to sit in on our discussion. 00:00:45.581 --> 00:00:49.413 Discussion? Is that what this is, a discussion? 00:00:49.609 --> 00:00:51.667 Yes, at least I hope so. 00:00:51.717 --> 00:00:53.717 Whadya you think it was going to be? 00:00:54.087 --> 00:00:57.310 I just assumed it was going to be another one of your lectures about how 00:00:57.332 --> 00:01:00.093 screwed up everything is and how no one seems to get it. 00:01:00.143 --> 00:01:01.890 I'd like to understand something. 00:01:01.993 --> 00:01:03.829 You used the word "lectures." 00:01:03.905 --> 00:01:07.448 I'd love to understand why it is that you used that specific term. 00:01:07.484 --> 00:01:08.917 So... would I. 00:01:09.513 --> 00:01:10.637 Well... I... 00:01:11.113 --> 00:01:13.311 I don't know what else to call it. 00:01:13.346 --> 00:01:15.530 Every time we talk, it's 00:01:15.562 --> 00:01:17.510 pretty much a one-sided communication... 00:01:17.521 --> 00:01:18.805 you know what I mean. 00:01:18.948 --> 00:01:20.778 I'm not sure I do. 00:01:21.194 --> 00:01:21.936 Well, 00:01:21.947 --> 00:01:23.649 let me... let me spell it out for you... 00:01:23.758 --> 00:01:25.083 You talk, 00:01:25.429 --> 00:01:26.757 I listen. 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:27.927 End of story. 00:01:27.937 --> 00:01:30.669 It seems like the two of you haven't hit it off very well. 00:01:30.771 --> 00:01:31.775 You can say that again. 00:01:31.864 --> 00:01:33.864 Do either of you know why? 00:01:34.374 --> 00:01:35.157 Well... 00:01:35.167 --> 00:01:37.880 I guess I can tell you from my perspective. 00:01:37.976 --> 00:01:40.626 Every time I ask Binaya for something, he 00:01:40.643 --> 00:01:42.317 immediately gets defensive. 00:01:42.366 --> 00:01:43.796 Defensive? What are you talking...? 00:01:43.832 --> 00:01:45.143 I don't get defensive. 00:01:45.209 --> 00:01:46.089 You sure? 00:01:46.145 --> 00:01:48.148 See... that's what I'm talking about. 00:01:48.192 --> 00:01:49.321 What's what you're talking about? 00:01:49.348 --> 00:01:51.393 That thing she just did, that thing... 00:01:51.440 --> 00:01:54.047 her smile 'thing'... like she's better than me. 00:01:54.070 --> 00:01:55.860 You know what I'm saying? 00:01:55.910 --> 00:01:57.446 I'm confused. 00:01:57.855 --> 00:01:58.938 No kidding. 00:01:58.974 --> 00:02:00.974 No, seriously, I'm confused. 00:02:01.024 --> 00:02:02.937 Is that really how I come across to you... 00:02:02.947 --> 00:02:05.405 that some kind of attitude... like I'm better? 00:02:05.701 --> 00:02:07.666 Yeah... sometimes. 00:02:07.718 --> 00:02:10.479 Do you think it would be helpful for us to spend some time 00:02:10.489 --> 00:02:12.573 for each to share your perspectives? 00:02:12.681 --> 00:02:14.035 Share perspectives? 00:02:14.078 --> 00:02:16.297 Yeah... you know, talk... uninterrupted... 00:02:16.307 --> 00:02:19.356 about how you're feeling, what you're reacting to, 00:02:19.367 --> 00:02:23.562 what needs to change and how we can move forward in a more productive way. 00:02:23.692 --> 00:02:25.417 Does that make sense?